Someone wrote me today asking how to make their dog poop in an area it was unfamiliar with while on leash. I told them they were going to be sorry they asked and not to tell Kramer (their dog) they heard it from me.
I was told this by an old-timer show dog person and thought he was having me on but I checked on it and it’s not as uncommon in the dog world as you might think but then again show dog people . . .
Somewhere I found actual “instructions”. (There was no mention of it so I’m going to take the liberty of suggesting you wear gloves – Just trust me.)
Here: from I don’t know who, and I can’t imagine how they stumbled upon it, (with a precautionary comment or two from me – i.e. When in doubt check it out with your vet first.) is how to make your dog poop using a match.
1. Take one or two paper matches and put the sulfur tips briefly in your mouth to wet them. (It gets worse)
2. Straddle your dog – facing its butt. (Worried yet?)
3. Pull the tail out of the way and insert the now wet sulfur tips of the matches in your dog’s anus. (The bit about “pull the tail out of the way” seemed a bit superfluous to me)
4. Deep enough that just the ends of the matches are visible and hang out just a tiny bit. (I think your dog would appreciate it if you would assume this fellow has a large dog and be accommodating by taking into consideration relative size and adjust the length of the match accordingly.)
5. Release the dog. (aka one very surprised dog)
6. Usually the dog will start squatting almost immediately to expel the matches. (I’m told it has something to do with the sulfur but personally I can think of one or two other possibilities.)
7. If the dog doesn’t, then you can repeat the steps. (or as fair warning wave the book of matches in the air in an ominous manner and then mime your intent.)
8. Do not insert more than 4 matches at a time. (I’m going to assume this means all at once as if you’re trying this on your own I can’t imagine there are enough treats on the planet to fool a dog into standing still 4 times in a row.)
9. Rarely do you need to use 4 matches but some dogs are more stubborn than others. (or more worried than their owners about becoming the next viral youtube video sensation)
Warning: I’ve since heard a story about a lady that decided after her first attempt that the match in question wasn’t quite moist enough so re-moistened the match to “rectify” the situation. (Click for a related story about veterinary students.)
Here’s a link to an article I wrote on house training that will help as well. You can try it first or in conjunction with the matches. House Training Cheat Sheet
P.S. If you take the video I’ll add the link.